How to leave a Toxic Relationship

Many of my new friends, or professional colleagues are not aware that Domestic Abuse affected my life in a way that I would not have believed 20+ years ago. I am a woman aged 50+, I like to think positively and it's true to say that without being in a violent controlling relationship, I would not be the strong independent woman I am today. However, I still wish that I was stronger back then and ensured that I had got a non-molestation order and made him pay for what he did to me. If only for the sake of my 5 children who despite this, have all grown up to be ok adults, and those with children take the role or parenting seriously. It is hard at first, to make the first steps, but now there is so much help available. Back in my day, I did attempt to get my ex-partner to face what he had done to me, to be told by the judge that he wishes woman would not approach the court for what he called, a ‘lovers tiff’. Another time I was upstairs covered in bruises, the police officer stayed downstairs and just talked to my abuser, just calling upstairs, ‘was I ok’? Of course, I said I was fine, through fear of what would happen if he left. I understand too well the difficulties of simply being able to function, let alone to gather the strength up to fight, your way out of a toxic relationship. I would like those who are in an abusive, controlling relationship to please get the support you need to get out of the relationship, as your partner does not hit or control you because he loves you, he will not change, he/she will get worse because you are allowing it. https://www.womensaid.org.uk › the-survivors-handbook 25 years on, I am no longer, controlled or abused, by a perpetrator who clearly could see my vulnerabilities, being a young single mother. I moved to a woman’s refuge with 4 of my 5 children as my oldest son aged 14 at the time, was deemed too old for a woman’s refuge. Without a good friend taking him in, I might have stayed who knows. I used to be able to tell how my day would be depending on what he was like in the morning, I would sometimes wake up and he wad already deep in thought, I knew immediately I had to walk on eggshells as if I said the wrong thing, I knew the outcome. I would often feel so lonely as, he regulated who should be my friends and isolated me from my family, even when I had children for him. One day I am not sure how, I realised that I saw this man as weak and I felt stronger, I felt that I could now manage my emotions instead of obeying to his dominating and abusive behaviour. He went to hit me, and I am ashamed to say I lost control, I threw anything I could at him, I do not know where I got the strength from, he ended up crawling up my hallway like a baby, as he knew if he got up, something else would go over his head. He never hit me again! If I tell people this they often laugh at the thought, however although he did deserve this; I’ve often questioned what would happen if I got hold of a knife, I’d had totally lost control. This was the deciding factor in moving towns with my children. I decided that if I was going to uproot my children to another town, I would learn ways to get my life back, with me in control. I slowly held out and began educating myself and began to trust people again. I went to college to do an access course, not really for the education at that time, but more to get stronger and get my mojo back so to speak. I became more confident and found a voice. I went on to do a degree and a MA, which gave me the qualifications to be employed as a social worker, this gave me the experience to set up my business www.dhfamilyandcourtsolutions.com . I have always been appalled on how many children are taken into care because their mother was not deemed able to safeguard her child/ren. I understand Children Services did not feel they had an option as the children needed to be safeguarded, but how on earth can a woman, worn down and controlled, be able to leave home, or throw the perpetrator out of the house to safeguard the children. I always felt that once the child/ren were safe and in foster care, hardly any help was given to the mother other than demands to end the relationship for the sake of her child/ren. Subsequently many children do not leave foster care. The legal aid system has changed and many people even if they are escaping an abusive relationship and they co own a house, as the court often expects them to self-fund. This stop many people pursuing court; however, help and support is available as like with me, with the help of Refuge, you will be supported to safety. https://www.womensaid.org.uk › the-survivors-handbook www.dhfamilyandcourtsolutions.com